Chris, my dear sweet son, has been joking me for awhile now about how out of shape I am. I've been pleading the fact that I'm 46 years old and have a right to sit on the couch for 6 straight hours every night. But after turning it into a challenge telling me that I was just "incapable" (THAT did it), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I'd show HIM that I COULD do it, I just would rather not.
I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Cheryl, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Chris was excited with my enthusiasm to get started! (Right!) The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so I thought I'd share it with you . . . now that it is OVER.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. It was tough to get out of bed (I'm NOT a morning person), but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the gym to find Cheryl waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Cheryl gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Cheryl was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door this morning.
Cheryl made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. .
. then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Cheryl's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Cheryl was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other gym members. Her voice is a little too perky that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Cheryl put me on the stair 'monster'. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Cheryl told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other words too.
THURSDAY :
Cheryl was
waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took
me that long to tie my shoes. Cheryl took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another
skinny instructor to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that Cheryl more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Cheryl wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Cheryl left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine. However, I lacked the strength to even lift the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that Chris will now leave me the Hell alone. Screw a bunch of exercise. It's all over-rated. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Disclaimer: This wasn't really my story, but it made me laugh so hard that I believe I snorted. I actually stole it from Sleepless in Seattle and sort of customized it to make it sound more believable. . .like me.
But there ARE several facts in this story that are indeed real. . . (1) I HATE exercise, (2) Chris DOES give me a hard time about my skinny calves and flabby triceps, and (3) I am NOT a morning person. . . especially to get up and do exercise. I think not. My pillow is much more appealing. So if you ever hear me speak of exercising EVER, you'll know I'm just telling you all a big fat story.
Happy Hump Day!
Strong sexual dialogue and situations, some nudity as featured in movie scenes, graphically depicted sexual positions (although no nudity is shown) and a shot of a baby crowning near the end of the film.
There is also a very graphic strip club scene with frontal nudity and a part after an earth quake where a woman's breast is shown.Constant pervasive language and sexual dialogue The "F- word" is used constantly; appoximately 113 times (really? 113 times? I didn't even notice)
There are scenes where Ben smokes from bongs, his roomates smoke marijuana, and Pete and Ben do mushrooms and hallucinate. Frequent references to "do drugs." Ben and Alison get very drunk before their one night stand.
The birth scene. (Funny Funny scene. I was laughing outloud.)
What the WORLD!! A potato and a weather event? Who knew they had so much in common?
It's probably the brain child of somebody in the South who lived in a trailer park who was living on the same bag of potatoes for a week desperately trying to think of a new way to reinvent the wheel while watching the local weather station announce yet another Tornado Watch for the area and KABOOM - an idea was born. "I'll just make this potato look like a tornadO. Then I can fry up a bunch and take 'em to the local fair. Then I can be rich. . . and get me that new double-wide!"
***Disclaimer - I'M from the South. I lived in a trailer park. And I lived on a bag of potatoes for a week once. So I'm allowed to joke. Now get your panties out of a wad.
Seriously - by the looks of the food cart in the background, it looks like I'd have to travel to Asia somewhere to find one for real. But that doesn't narrow it down very far. Maybe I need to figure out how to make it myself and save the trip. It can't be that hard. Being from the South, we fry everything! Why not a tornado potato? Genius!
What would be your dream job?
I, personally, would LOVE Rachel Ray's job. Yeah, I know she works a lot and she's entirely too perky. She has 85 TV shows for God's sake. But check out how fun it would be.
a.) She gets paid for cooking. How fun would that be? I love to cook. I love to try new recipes. Afterall, I am a self acknowledged recipe whore.
b.) She gets to travel all over the place meeting all kinds of cool people, trying nifty restaurants and eating different kinds of foods. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE to eat?
c.) She gets to meet the coolest celebrities. I'm NOT a celebrity junkie by any means. I mean, they are just people who get a lot of attention and put their pants on one leg at a time just like you and me. They're not extra special. They're just "popular". BUT - when you get to go to work and sit down and chat with the likes of Shemar Moore and maybe The "Rock", well. . . life wouldn't suck too much. Can we all say it together - "Gorgeous!!" Shemar Moore is just stunningly beautiful and HE is who brought sexy back. The Rock - well, he's just a well-defined, chizeled speciman of a man. Just pretty to look at. It wouldn't hurt my feelings at all to have to sit down and chat with him. All in a day's work, right?
Do you see how her job just rocks?!?! All of the above is not to mention all the other cool perks she gets with her job. She gets to manage a magazine, write cookbooks, get free stuff, and get paid to cook. Oh yeah, I said that already.
Yep - I'd love her job. But sadly, I'm not nearly perky and peppy enough. I need a Vivarin just thinking about it.
I saw this video on Good Morning America this morning and I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!! It is for every single mom on the planet. This lady has put together a serious list of "momisms" that we ALL use everyday with our kids and has put them into a song with the music to the William Tell Overture. It is hilarious!
No matter how old your kids are, you WILL relate. If your kids are little, you may actually learn a few new ones. If your kids are grown, you will laugh at the sheer number of momisms that you used during their lifetime. I STILL use the one "Were you raised in a barn?" quite often.
Audio: Share what you're listening to right now.
Boiling lava hot Hot Pockets. Cracks me UP!
CuteOverload is a site I visit everyday because . . . well. . . it has a lot of really cute pictures. I'm not sure why really, but this one just makes me giggle.
Show us where you go to read the latest headlines.
What in the world did I do before Google? Actually read the newspaper? That's so yesterday.
I've had a blog on MSN Spaces for awhile now, but I'm finding that most of my Spaces blog friends have either transitioned over to something else ie.(DeWitte) or just given up blogging altogether so I haven't been getting a lot of attention. :-( DeWitte has been trying to get me to transition over to Vox for a long time, but I didn't want to leave my Spaces friends. Well, now that they have left me. . . here I am.
I've been reading a lot of food blogs lately. I love food. I'm a recipe whore. And I eat as a sport. So food blogs satisfy me on many levels. I love to cook (when I have somebody around to eat it) and I eat just about anything. About the only things that I don't eat are licorice, root beer and raw celery. I've tried them and they didn't work so well for me. AND even though I KNOW that I don't like those things, I watch people who eat licorice and I'm jealous. Licorice eaters LOVE their licorice and they eat it with such fervor. They're also very generous with their licorice. . . "Here, want a piece of this delicious goodness?" I'm always so tempted because they make it look so enjoyable. I always have to remember that my particular taste buds think it's nasty. . . despite how good they make it look. Dang it!
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
