Color Me a Work in Progress

That's pretty much how I can describe myself right now - a work in progress.  However, I'm giving you all fair warning now.  I MAY need therapy soon.  There are two major changes about to happen in my life and I'm not sure how I'm going to react when they do.  It's possible that I'll be just fine, but in all reality, it's more than likely going to be a bit dicey.  Either way, I've got a lot to figure out about ME.

 

1) Those of you that know me already know what a work-horse I am.  I've had this one (of two) big customers that I've pretty much let consume my life for the last four years.  I have busted my butt every single day to make sure that all of their outlandish demands were met and on time.  And they loved me for it.  (I love it when people love me)  Then the lovely economy in this U.S. started sinking into the toilet and everybody's head in Retail's upper management started spinning.  There have been shake-ups and shake-downs and rethinking of marketing strategies and reorganizing budgets and such.  Thus the demise of my customer being my customer.  They've decided to take another route in their marketing plan - a fresh new route. . . one that does not include me.   

So, in two weeks, TWO WEEKS!, my crazy, hectic, busy (comfortable) world will come to an end as I know it.  Chris got laid off as a result, so I'll probably take over his customers.  I'm not sure how things are going to be restructured just yet.  I just know that I won't be working around the clock anymore and I'm just not quite sure what I'll do with myself.

 

2) Chris, my oldest, is moving out again in two months.  He moved away once for a year, then came back home with a one-year plan to finish school and save some money that turned into a 2 1/2 year plan.  (I didn't mind)  But now he's just gotten approved for an apartment that he and his buddy will share.  He's pretty happy about it because it's right across the street from another group of his friends, so the clan won't have to travel far to hang out together.  But that will leave me with an empty nest again.  Now I'm going to have to readjust all over.  And I don't really know how.  The first time, I dove headfirst into redecorating my house.  That kept me busy.  I cleaned everything OUT!  I repainted everything!  I replaced all the floors downstairs, new window treatments, etc.  And although I'd love to replace my floors upstairs now, I really don't have the money.  In fact, I'm a little nervous about that second customer of mine and will hold my breath until they renew their contract this summer.  (keep your fingers crossed. . . and anything else you can cross while you're at it)  So I'm going to tread very carefully financially until I feel a little more secure in my job.

 

SO - not only am I going to have to get used to a lot of free time without constantly logging into the office, I'm going to have to get used to my empty house again too.  I'm not opposed to living by myself.  That's not my problem at all.  It's just going to take some getting used to.  Afterall, I've had almost 24 years of non-stop something going on in my house.  It's just that all these years, I've identified myself as Chris and Adam's mom.  When they grew up and didn't need me so much, I started putting all my extra energy into my job - thus resulting in my workaholic identity.  SO. . .

 

NOW I ask. . . What am I going to do with myself?  How am I going to identify who I am?  What do I want to do now?  Why is it that at 47 years old I'm asking myself the same question that I struggled with when I was in the tenth grade. . . "What do I want to do when I grow up?" 

 

I'm sure there are tons of people who wouldn't have a problem with this situation at all - you know, spare time, change of pace.  Some probably even dream about it.  But me - I don't sit still well.  (I might have A.D.D.)  Plus, I have this sick and disturbing need to be needed and appreciated all the time.  It's what pretty much drives me in everything I do.  I know.  I'm odd.

 

I'm actually more sad about my job situation than I am for my house situation.  Chris SHOULD move out.  He's all grown up.  I'll adjust.  But my work is my work (It's ME now) and they loved me and DeWitte appreciated me.  Now where am I going to get my "appreciation" from?  I feel like appreciation is my crack, and I can't live without it.  I'm a work addict - an appreciation junkie - looking for my next fix.  And I'm scared.  I don't know what to do.

 

Oh I know!!